Believe in Yourself. I do.

As you can imagine last week’s post on The Inevitable Break-Up ruffled “feather”. I’ve thought long (6 days) and hard about whether I should actually go here. Oh hell, why wouldn’t I? Quite a few people reached out to me after they read the post. Some I know and some I don’t. The messages varied from “I hope you’re cutting yourself some slack”, “sorry to hear it didn’t work out” to “I just went through a rough break-up myself. I love your blog. You say what most won’t”, "$4.75 for the bike" and then of course my absolute fave “I just read your blog and I lost my shit”. I don’t write this blog to hurt feelings, dump my problems on others or to be a Negative Nancy. I’m just simply sharing my experiences whether difficult or not in a somewhat comical fashion because in reality some of the things we go through that seem unbearable and tragic at the time are SO trivial compared to what others are going through. I’m extremely thankful that I’m not blogging from a hospital room updating everyone on the condition of my terminally ill child or passing along stories that a loved one is sharing from protecting our country overseas. This is merely a way for me to express myself. Some people dig it, some don’t. I say tomato (which is the right way to say it) you say “tuhmotto”.

First and foremost I want to be very clear that this is not a declaration of war or a “he said, she said” type situation. I just simply want to share a tid bit about the repercussions of sharing my break-up on a public forum. I received quite the doosie of a text later that evening as a result; I was on the fence whether I would or not. It wasn’t the implication of “revising history” or being called out on my “f’ing warped sense of pride/insecurities” that got to me. Nor the “you’ll never learn from your mistakes” comment. Trust me when I say I let it sink in and allowed it to run all over me. It hurt like hell and only slightly penetrated this Great Wall of China I’ve thrown up again. What juked me and got under my skin were the following words “…I’m very happy. You deserve to be happy too. Believe in yourself. I did”. Oh no he di'ain't.  I’ll come clean. I did send a message apologizing if any feelings were hurt or ego insulted. I’ll also put it out there that when the break up first happened I was a complete mess for a good month. I did my fair share of groveling and (ahem) begging and pleading – obviously to no avail. I even went as far as sending a letter thanking him for all the wonderful things he did for me and brought into my life and I meant every single word of it. Yup, I went there. Why not? I was heartbroken and madly in love; emphasis on madly.

{image from someecards.com}

Let’s get back to the “…I’m very happy. You deserve to be happy too. Believe in yourself. I did”.  First, like love, sometimes happiness isn’t a feeling it’s a choice. I allowed myself a time of mourning and then I made a choice that I would indeed be happy. That’s not to say that I don’t get sad and miss the relationship or the person who was in my life. I definitely had to readjust my thinking. I'll have you know I am in fact a softy wofty on the inside. Hard to imagine, I know. Second, who on God’s green Earth would have the audacity to tell ME to believe in myself? I have a case of the blues and suffer from low self-esteem from time to time as do most but it is not due to the lack of believing in myself I can assure you that. It’s sometimes triggered by believing in someone else and being let down time and again-not ALWAYS but on occasion. Sometimes it’s due to my skinny jeans not fitting or a freakishly bad hair day but whatever. You’re picking up what I’m laying down - no doubt. One persons blog rant is another persons new bike and relationship. 

Let me just say this. If I didn’t believe in myself I would not have pulled through the last 3 years especially the last 6 months (most of the problems I confronted were self-induced - I’ll touch on that some other time) with my head held high for the most part and indeed learning from my mistakes. If I didn’t believe in myself I wouldn’t have left a verbally unhealthy and emotionally dead marriage after 11 years much to the majority’s dismay.  If I didn't believe in myself I would be one of those women who stays in a relationship and puts up with a ton of crap just for the sake of not being alone. If I didn't believe in myself I wouldn’t be busting my ass on a daily basis to run a 2 income household on 1. If I didn't believe in myself I wouldn’t take on the mother and father role in my children's lives-not only take it on but also dominate and conquer those roles.  If I didn't believe in myself I wouldn't have opened the door when opportunity knocked just recently and took my business to a whole new level. If I didn't believe in myself I wouldn't have the courage to rebuild my company even though I've ran it into the ground several times. If I didn’t believe in myself I wouldn't have the cojones to face my colleagues and peers who've witness me suck and suck hard professionally.  If I didn't believe in myself I wouldn’t stand in the front of the class during the hip hop workout Body Jam. Last but not least, if I didn't believe in myself I damn sure wouldn't have a daughter who believes in herself. 

I did get kudos for saying something correct though...that it was inevitable because I pushed him away from day one. With good reason and none that pertained to me. I didn't want him to be sucked into my already made life. He's young and has the whole world in his hands. I wanted a different experience for him. The chance to be with someone more "appropriate". I'm a closet full of Banana Republic and a trust fund away from that. However with that said anyone here or there can call me what they want...warped, insane, unstable, bitchy, hard, negative, or even stupid but don't - ever - insult me and advise me to believe in myself. I do and oh, yes - I did. 

86 Big Mama’s Spicy Advice:

If someone treats you like an emotionally wrecked, unstable dumb bitch I think it is perfectly fine to react like one.

Note to Self: 

When someone says they love you and are there for you-you should be able to feel it and see it; not get sent straight to voice mail.