I'm a Quitter

Friday will mark 8 weeks since I have had a cigarette. I have smoked here and there dating back to my junior high years. It's a disgusting, filthy, nasty habit but when it's all you know...and something you enjoy (yeah, I said it) then it's extremely hard to kick the habit for good. There were times I went entire years without one but during and after the Big D (I'll touch on that later) well lets just say I used my smokes as a crutch. For real, at times they were my best friend. In the last two years they became my cure to loneliness as well as at least 1 to 2 daily meal replacements. Being fully aware of the repercussions of quitting a.k.a. gaining an ass load (literally) of weight I had to accept this inevitable truth or I would be setting myself up for failure yet again. 

{image via How to Quit Smoking}

It was hard for me to bear as I was already a good 25 pounds over my ideal weight. Now I'm 35 pounds over and I weigh more than my 6' tall bf. It is NOT right. Sure, it should be easy to not stuff your face and make good choices however there's no stopping Big Mama with a craving at 10:00 p.m. at night while working. She will move mountains for a snack. No lie.

To ensure I continue my life as a healthy non-smoker I've focused on not succumbing to those cravings rather than worrying about the weight gain or what I was eating. Now that it has almost been 2 months it's time to face my other crutch: food. It's not like I sit around eating burritos all day. I do however indulge more than one should and do very little to counteract the intake a.k.a. move my ass and work out. Oh-and don't let me have a bad day, go somewhere new for lunch, eat somewhere I hardly eat because I will justify ANYTHING to have what I want without making myself feel guilty - up front. Afterwards there is a whole other remorseful/guilty bullshit feeling that causes me to beat myself up for the remainder of the day. D-u-m-b. This is what I get for telling my mom when I was younger that I would be an aerobics instructor before I had to worry about my weight like she had to. I was a total a-hole for that and I weigh more than she ever did. Paybacks are a bitch. 

Daily Fix

Joined my old gym: Mr. Roids told me I'd be at my goal weight by Halloween. WTF Arnold Jr.?! That is NOT good enough. 

Bought a scale: I don't care "too" much about the number on the scale as much as I do how I feel in my own skin. Right now I feel like I could be Madea's twin sister. It doesn't matter if I'm physically not that big, that is how I feel. 

Yesterday's Fix

Parked in the back of the parking lot rather than the front (twice). Sad thing is, I was kind of proud of myself for doing so.